There is this constant
heaviness and pressure
in the chest

I think I know what it is now
my heart gets bigger every day



There are
some really, really bad things that happen in life and then there are
you can be hurt so very, very terribly and then you come across an amazing bundle of
they're on the lawn at your friendly local
and they're frolicking on the grass (one of the only times it is fitting anymore to use the word "frolic"
it just suits these
to an absolute frigging t).

And when you climb one leg at a time and over the fence
oh it is so amazing to be one
covered in

"There is something so fantastic about puppy smell" I yell across the field and
he yells back
"I know, the greatest". Some people just really get it---right away.

Puppies pulling down on the skirt that I bought because it seemed to fit
that downtown aesthetic
I was going for at the time
But of course, there is very little need for downtown sensibilities
when you're standing in the middle of nowhere

Just sky in all directions
and a falling down barn behind you
and there are five little souls wriggling around you
each destined for an airplane ride to a far-away family somewhere
but for right now and for just these twenty minutes you are their entire world
and being.

And for you, for anyone else
Twenty minutes can absolutely repair any multitude of sorrows.


Yesterday I had this idea
about the way that I felt
shedding tears in embrace

Because on the way to somewhere I saw a
raccoon innocent and massacred on the side of the highway

I passed in my car-- upon reflection, a death machine itself
there is something so violent
about the way that I drive.

The sight of the animal, brutal
on the roadside
its various insides coming out of its mouth
pink and round and long, and tangled
I thought
in my self pity
that's just the way that I feel right now
With all my insides coming up and out
My feelings choking in my throat

And I shared this with a friend
More an acquaintance
who says "how macabre"
And we left it

Today there is a small changing:
A very small changing but
I see life
A life much better
after all
now and then
And you can put it away