There is this constant
heaviness and pressure
in the chest

I think I know what it is now
my heart gets bigger every day

Puppies

There are
some really, really bad things that happen in life and then there are
puppies
you can be hurt so very, very terribly and then you come across an amazing bundle of
puppies
they're on the lawn at your friendly local
kennel
and they're frolicking on the grass (one of the only times it is fitting anymore to use the word "frolic"
it just suits these
puppies
to an absolute frigging t).

And when you climb one leg at a time and over the fence
oh it is so amazing to be one
hundred
percent
covered in
puppies.

"There is something so fantastic about puppy smell" I yell across the field and
he yells back
"I know, the greatest". Some people just really get it---right away.

Puppies pulling down on the skirt that I bought because it seemed to fit
that downtown aesthetic
I was going for at the time
But of course, there is very little need for downtown sensibilities
when you're standing in the middle of nowhere

Just sky in all directions
and a falling down barn behind you
and there are five little souls wriggling around you
each destined for an airplane ride to a far-away family somewhere
but for right now and for just these twenty minutes you are their entire world
and being.

And for you, for anyone else
Twenty minutes can absolutely repair any multitude of sorrows.

Pink

Yesterday I had this idea
about the way that I felt
shedding tears in embrace

Because on the way to somewhere I saw a
raccoon innocent and massacred on the side of the highway

I passed in my car-- upon reflection, a death machine itself
there is something so violent
about the way that I drive.

The sight of the animal, brutal
on the roadside
its various insides coming out of its mouth
pink and round and long, and tangled
I thought
in my self pity
that's just the way that I feel right now
With all my insides coming up and out
My feelings choking in my throat

And I shared this with a friend
More an acquaintance
who says "how macabre"
And we left it

Today there is a small changing:
A very small changing but
I see life
A life much better
after all
now and then
And you can put it away

Five Year Engagement

I really like Emily Blunt, I could probably watch her in any film and I've loved Jason Segal ever since Freaks and Geeks. Thus, I enjoyed this movie. I saw it with my mom and we sat in the almost front row. I asked how she liked it and she said "It's different." And by the end she said "I like this movie more now". That's probably because SPOILER ALERT: it has a happy ending.

Alison Brie is also very good and has a stellar British accent and she and Emily Blunt have an awesome scene where they speak like Elmo and Cookie Monster, respectively.

Go and SEE IT.

Funtitled

We have a cat at work right now. We always have one homeless cat, looking for adoption. His name is Shadow which, I think is a terrible name. I call him Kingsley which some among you may also think is a terrible name, but at least it's a slight bit more distinctive than Shadow. Shadow is a black cat. When people come in and see him their black cat prejudices often come out. They say things like: "Stay away from me black cat" or "I don't need any black cats near me" etc. One person broke trend by saying they had heard black cats were good luck. That's cool. Kingsley/Shadow is unquestionably a beautiful cat. He is very tall and lean. His legs are extremely long and he is short-haired. He looks like a panther, thus Kingsley because he has this sort of king of the jungle look about him. He is also quite self-possessed. He does not shrink back from prodding hands or hulking dogs. When he and my husky were introduced he didn't hiss or run away but rather allowed her to smell his bottom in a very dignified and gentlemanly manner. I imagined taking him home to be my cat. I imagine this about every cat that comes into the store.

Black animals, I've heard are the hardest ones to find new homes for. I assumed that this was because of the old black cat superstition but apparently it's because they're lacking in distinctive markings and have less "personality" in their looks. This is what I've been told, at least, and looking at the photo collage of all the cats we've adopted out it's true that the handful of all-black cats are very similar looking and somewhat difficult to tell apart.

Kingsley has been hanging on a bit longer than the last few cats we've had, it's true. But I think it might be due more to intimidation than anything else. He is beautiful and talkative and likes to be pet and cuddled but he also has a penchant for scratching and biting. He isn't vicious but he's a bit bossy and likes to direct you with his teeth. When it came time yesterday for me to put him in his crate for the night he immediately assumed a fighting position: belly up, teeth ready and claws out. He is big and strong and I was going to get scratched from whichever angle I grabbed him. After several fearful and aborted attempts I was forced to just go for it and when I grabbed him he let out a terrible hissing scream that made my stomach lurch and he gave my one hand several long red scratches. I was convinced that I had just completely destroyed our up-to-that-point entirely pleasant cat-human working relationship, but once on his perch he settled down immediately and stared at me for just a moment before settling in for a nice long self-grooming.

UPDATE: Kingsley was recently adopted by a construction worker who has never owned a cat before. No joke. Happy story, the end.

Find Me

I found this little beauty hiding in the poetry(?) section at my work. I'm gone half the week so sometimes I miss out on new and special arrivals. The PEN/ O. Henry Prize Stories, always a wonderful, inspiring read if you're into that sort of thing. SF-- not speculative fiction or science fiction: short fiction.

I'm only a few stories in but already smitten. My heart gets bigger with every one I read. Recommend.

My Weekend Work

Petting the cat
lifting bags of pet food
climbing and descending ladders
opening and closing the till
making tea
stapling receipts

wearing a name tag
still in training